The year was 1989; the location was Sultan’s Ismail College. The girl’s name is Kang Chai Kee.

My aim was always to beat her in the exam. Nevertheless, she seems to be unbeatable. I know at that moment, time’s was running out for me, only one examination to go before the STPM.

Why did I want to beat her so much? She is the genius. I have always fall in love with a genius. By beating her in the exam will give me the ammunition to swoop her into my arms.

I spent all my allowances on Paco Rabbane but she seems not to smells it. I have changed my hairstyle three times (I still got hair that time ma), still she did not notice me.

When the result of the trial exam was release, it was a huge surprised. I actually did better than Chai Kee.  No, I did not manage to beat Chai Kee and come out as number one. I just manage to squeeze two places to number three. However, Chai Kee was dethrone and only managed to be satisfied at number five.

I saw Chai Kee cried and cried the whole morning. Her eyes were red and swollen. During recess, I approached Chai Kee and tried to console her. She was very down.  I offered my handkerchief as she already runs out of tissue paper. I offered to buy her snacks in SunTo after school. Following much persuasion, Chai Kee finally agrees to have lunch with me.

We planned to meet at 3.00pm that day in front of SunTo. I arrived at 2.30pm. Chai Kee, however, never made it.

The next day, I found my handkerchief under my desk and a simple note of apology from her.

Post STPM, I heard Chai Kee went to UM. After that, everything about her diminished to just memories of a brilliant classmate I ever had.

Since Bloggers United spread around the net, I came to know a lot of people. I am always fond of knowing more about my readers and my commenters. Two of the pillars for Bloggers United are Susan Loone and Black. While I have met the bubbly Zorro, the genius Shar101, David Back-ham, Malaysianman and many more, I have yet got the chance to meet my comrades, Susan and Black.

I am looking forward to meet Susan in early April. I also am going to welcome Black back to
Malaysia in late April. I eagerly waited to have my mee rebus with them.

Last night I had a wonderful chat with Shar101 up to five o’clock in the morning. I have told him everything I wanted to share with Susan and Black. Shar101 was shivering when I open up the matter.

It is all about simple and basic me, Sheih101 the introduction to crazyfella. Shar101 was left firing profanities after profanities towards me. I, unceremoniously laugh at his choice of word. That is what a good buddy is. When they think you are crazy, they said it straight in the eye. They do not go around to other people and talk about what they think is wrong about you.

As I arrived home at almost six, I wrote an email to Susan. I am glad Susan stood by me.

Meanwhile, the day before, Zorro’s blood pressures shot sky high, after reading about me planning the Cantona. I gave Zorro an assurance that I will not leave the blogsphere although at first, that was my immediate intention. For now, I shall stick at blogging.

For quite some time people asking me, what is the focus of this blog? Should I have one?

When I started Kickdefella, contrary to what everyone were assuming, no, it is not about kicking the Prime Minister Abdullah. Kickdefella is me. Is about me kicking myself. If only I had started blogging after the World Cup, it should have been Buttefella in honour of Zinedine Zidane.

I blog on things that touch my emotion at the spur of the moment. Nothing more nothing less. Kickdefella started with this premise, sometime in needs of Viagra, most of the time in needs of Prozac. No one dies a virgin life screws us all.

Then came along someone who wanted to get closer to me because he believes I shared his vision. He believes he had something that will be good for me to join in. What the fuck is he talking? I am kicking myself and how can that be the same. Go and kick your one bloody self, bastard.  

Sooner than later, he gets frustrated with me. He emailed me long, long email. I read it. I reply it nicely and than I stop engaging the matter. What he did was then posted everything on the comment section. Not just that, he engage the matter with other bloggers and commenters.

When I took the cause to stand with Rocky and Jeff, I have never ever asked whether they are right or wrong. That doesn’t matter to me. When I stood with them, it is because of loyalty to my fellow blogger. It is all emotion; I do not bother about rational. I am an artist, which is what I am. I am devoting myself for artistic reason, not for rationalization on anything at all.

As a film Director, I was taught not to listen to people who are saying or complaining about other fellow directors.  If there is a complain, they should complaint it to the producer. Not to me. If I do listened to the person, than he can go around and said, he has complained to me and I have listen to him. What will happen is he can use my action of listening to him to strengthen his complaint. He can used every ‘yes’ and every nod I did to build his case. By listening to him, I am stabbing my fellow directors from the back. In the name of comradeship you are taught to avoid from listening to any complains about your peers. That is fellowship amongst peers.

As I stood tall with Rocky and Jeff, I expect I am too being treated the same. How idealist am I. If I do not deserve to be treated in the manner, I treated people, than that is not a fair game. So, obviously time for me to adios myself.

Everyday, I have Monsterball calling me and asked am I hurting your blog? I said NO! Even if he hurts my blog, Will I let go a human for a blog sake. Everyday I received comments and email asking me to stop Monsterball from commenting in my blog. I did not.

Friends, to me a blog worth nothing compares to a human. Friendship worth everything than a blog. I treasured friendship for as long as we respected the bonding we have.

Today, me the crazyfella proudly stand for Monsterball’s right to post comment.

Today, I stand not just with Rocky and Jeff, but with all of you, the e-community of
Malaysia. I stand for your right of Freedom of Expression.

I have live for the past 12 years under the draconian censorship regime of
Malaysia. I have left that life. I will not live another day being control by all this censorship.

Let us not be hypocrite. If we talk about Freedom of Expression, we must also talk about Monsterball’s right, Anonymous-es’s rights etc. No double standard please.

It takes two to tango. Don’t give me the bullshit about someone being rude. We are all rude. Is calling people ‘tua bangka’, ‘tua nak mampus’ and much more is not being rude? I do not care about whom started first. As I said earlier, it takes two to tango. What I have posted was also blatantly rude. I am being rude to Pak Lah; I am being rude to Jean Danker. I will stand by their right to get upset with me. I will stand with their right to take action against me as much as I stand with NST and the gang of four’s right to take action against my fellow bloggers. That is never the question to me.

I stood for Rocky and Jeff, because they are my fellow blogger. Not because they are right or wrong. I will stand with RPK, Big Dog, A Voice, Politikus, Zorro, Clark Gable (definitely), M.Bakri Musa, PengaggurPaksa, Mob’s Crib, Penarik Beca and all other bloggers as well.

However, when my time comes, I had resigned to the fact that I may stand alone. I am used to stand-alone. Nothings wrong about standing alone. 

If this blog is garbage, then be it. I am proud to be responsible of the garbage.

Blog is just a blog. Nothing is more important that friendship.

Perhaps, I should focus this blog in getting Kang Chai Kee back in my life. That was the only time I remembered that I am so focus. I am so focus to beat Chai Kee because I want to get close to her. I still want to get close to her now as much as I wanted it before.

My dearest Chai Kee, wherever you are, I hope you live a good life and I pray that life is treating you well. How I wish you actually turns up in SunTo that afternoon. But again, I am just a dreamer. I will hurt you as much as I am hurting others with my dream.

You know what they say, don’t fall in love with a dreamer. Well, to put thing in context, you might have heard it before.

Nevertheless, if you do blog, I just want you to know that I shall stand with you all the time.