If my calculation was right, when my father divorced my mum, she was not even forty yet. Strange things about being the children, you always think your mum is old. That was what I felt at that time. I thought my mum is old. Now, she is still just as old as I always remember her.

 

Than recently, I started to think of it. She must be around thirty-five at that time. I am now thirty-seven yet felt very young. She must be younger than I am today. Yet, she had to take care all the six of us. Nevertheless, the most amazing thing is she never ever thought of getting married again. I know we will definitely object to it though.

 

When I was in primary school, my grand aunty whom we called Tok Ku always wants to arrange for my mum to get married. As the result of it, we threatened Tok Ku with penyapu lidi. Tok Ku disappeared for a while, only to return few months later with her new husband. The man whom she wanted to propose to my mum.

 

After her divorce, my mum moves to a new piece of land in Paya Rambai, near Kota Bharu. Paya Rambai was at that time very remote. My mum built a pondok in the thickness of the secondary jungle. Against my grandpa’s advice, I move to that pondok while all my siblings are staying with my grandpa. I stayed with my mum. I was six at that time. My mum taught me how pray and I prayed real hard for our life to get better. I still remembered when musim tengkujuh came, because of the atap is not waterproof, it was leaking everywhere. Whenever we were having our dinner, our kuah seems to be flooded with the air hujan. I made a promised to my mum, I shall never get married because I want to take care of her till deaths do us apart. I never kept my promise.

When I was down with Malaria, my mum would walk more than ten kilometers to the hospital to take care of me. I promised her, when I grow up, I will be a trishaw peddler so I will take her anywhere she wanted. Again, promises are made to be broken.

After my dad left the service, he gives some money to my mum, which she builds a decent home for us. With that house, all our siblings reunited again under one roof. However, the money is not enough. My mum might not owns a degree in economic but she managed her economics well. She will invest into barang kemas and whenever we were in dire needs of money, she will pay the pajak gadai a visit.

Ustaz Nik Aziz or Ayah Zit as we call him, the now Menteri Besar of Kelantan is my mum’s Pak Sepupu. Those days, she always paid him a visit. I still remembered it vividly. My mum will be on the other side of the white curtain, while I will sit on Ayah Zit’s laps. Only now, I realized the reason for all those visits. My mum actually asks Ayah Zit to perform Sholat Hajat and pray for her to forget my Dad. Ayah Zit’s is known as a person with mulut masin which means God always answer his prayer.

Only now, I realized my mum’s sufferings. She could has opted for another try in marriage which will solved lots of her problem but she adamant to brought us up without wanting us to share her with anybody else.

Despite all her sadness, she still finds some cash to bring me to watch Menanti Hari Esok, Tiada Esok Bagimu, Esok Masih  Ada and Esok Untuk Siapa at the cinema.

Despite all her troubles, she still finds plenty of moments to share my sadness and to give me the strength whenever I need it.

Despite her lost love, she still managed to advise me on my very own love of my life.

My mum is a very farsighted person, and I know she knows that one day, we will all grow up and she will be left alone. Today is precisely the day. In fact, for the past ten years, she is living on her own. We wanted her to stay with us, which we knew she, never felt comfortable.

Now, she prefers to love us from a distance rather than having to trouble us with her deteriorating heath.

My mum is a Superwoman.

She has given a child all the loves he needs from their parents. She has sacrifice her needs, her future and above all, her life for our sakes. Well, all mums are made in heaven, and I am glad to know that one day, she will returns to Eden where she deserved it more than anyone I knew.

How can I not love her, but why I felt so embarrass to show how much I really love her?

How can I not care for her, yet why it is so difficult for me to prove I really care for her?

How can I not spend time with her, again, why it is always so hard for me to find the time to spend with her?

She, The Superwoman, deserved the roses more that any other woman on the Valentine’s Day.

My roses will be for my one and only Superwoman.

I love you mama!