Sheih on Sheih: Persona Non Grata years, The Beginning of The End

I have heard somewhere, someone said; partnership is a ship you might not want to jump into. I have jumped onto that ship after my Robin Hood days in Ten On Ten. Those we the most wonderful period of my life as a scriptwriter, director and producer. It was so wonderful that I am willing to forget how traumatic it is when the ship sunk.

During on board of that ship, I was given the opportunity to meet and work with my best buddies in the industry. With Eman Manan, Idris Diah, Zaidi Omar, Radhi Khalid, Arwah Loloq, Mustapha Mahidin, Dr. Samat Salleh, Deanna Yusuf and Kaza and with Eddy, the captain of the ship, we sailed through some of the pinnacle of our creative escapism. We did Nick Hardware dan Muthu Schumacher, Earl Grey dan Kopi Kampung, Kelab Kopi Kampung, Diari, Kuartet Merdeka and few seasons of Sensasi Auto.

It was almost paradise. Yes almost, if not because of those typical mistakes that we human were born with.

The praised and the attention given to us were actually the beginning of the end. We saw the tip of the iceberg and we taught we could safely sailed there to stick our flag and not remembering deep below, disaster is waiting.

I fumbled in my marriage. But obviously not because of other woman. We both were climbing our own stairs. We both were drowning with attention to a point we hardly have time to enjoy private moments. In fact, quality time with family will be the kids with me or the kids with her.

When she took her break, I shall be shooting somewhere. When my turn to take a break, I will always accidentally took it during the time when she is shooting elsewhere. When she was hospitalised, I would rushed the doctor to discharge her so I can go away for my filming. When I was wheeled to the operation theatre, she was busy driving through the traffic to meet her assignment.

And, when we actually have time together, it shall be me or her rushing out to avoid further argument. We hurt each other so much that we hardly recognise the marriage due to the broad spectrum of bruises.

At the end, in favour of keeping things intact, we made a gigantic mistake when we decided for her to leave her job and as though it was written in fate, almost at the same time, the ship I’m on; hit the bottom of the iceberg.

Next we know, we found ourselves selling kerabu mangga and jelly at Pasar Ramadhan, while I am trying to salvage whatever I can from the sinking ship. Strained building up in my relationship with Eddy, my business partner and soon, we had to the abandon the ship.
I ended meeting more familiar faces in Pasar Borong Selayang than those in the industry.

Soon, Ramadhan left us and we are back living on our saving. Luckily my other half was called back to join TV3, while I did my soul-searching in Masjid Wilayah from Zhohor to Isyak. It was during those period that I beginning to lose faith in myself being in the industry. I look back at those who survived the industry and asked myself, why do many of them are reduced to begging for a lifeline at the end of their life? Where did it gone wrong? Is there a written agreement somewhere between those lines of those hundreds of contract that we signed which said, live rich die poor? Or, is this what God has for us?

During those soul-searching periods, I browse through archives list of those who had made it big during their years under the limelight but reduced to becoming nothing but beggars in the newspaper at the end of their lives. Without wanting to mention their names, I can just say, I can easily throw 100 names and halves of it was during my years in the industry. Do I want my grandchildren to cry for me in the newspaper thirty years from now? If I were still having the chance to make a different, I would rather try.

Nevertheless, life is like living in the absurdum of Waiting For Godot. I keep telling myself, it is time to go, but I am still here.

On the 2nd of February 2005, my former producer whom I held such a high regards and considered her always as my godmother, called me, “Zidi, Kak Ani nak Zidi buat feature film untuk Nizarman”. I have been waiting for that sentence to come from her since 1994, and suddenly she actually utter it to me. How would I say no?

I am not going to say no. Am I waiting for Godot? I did not say no. I accepted the offer and continued to live as one of those tramps in Waiting For Godot! But Godot never came till the end. Who to blame?